I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
