he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
