Your dad touched me again.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
