Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
