Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
