Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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