Acid is not a monday night drug
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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