i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
