...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
