My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
