i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
