Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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