mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
