I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
