3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
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