I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
