Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
