Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
