I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
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I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
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My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
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