I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize