I think my fart just growled at me.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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