Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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