Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
