I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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