I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
