seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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