i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
