Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
