You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
