tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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