It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
