The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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