I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
