I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
