I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
