I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
