Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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