i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
