Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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