dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
