I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
