Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
