Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
