mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
