I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
