I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
