She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
