The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
