If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
