I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
