Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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