heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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