He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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