I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
