I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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