Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
