Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
