sarcasm needs its own font
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
you inspire me to be a worse person
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
